ours.

hello.

not gonna be much of an intro here today.
tho just to inform you that the title has nothing to do with this post.

~~~

gatal betul hati aku mau blogging. ntah kenapa. probably because I have so much to say, yet I don't have any other outlet. I'm currently at the office, with nothing to do. teda keja. boss is out, probably at a meeting or something. so yeah, I'm alone at the office.

I cry a lot these days. Like, a lot, a lot. Without any particular reason.

I have no idea why. And the crying stops as abrupt as it started. Probably something is wrong with me. Nahh. Probably it's just my brain thinking too much.

GOD. THE RENOVATION NEXT DOOR IS SUPER ANNOYING. CAN I JUST ASK THEM TO STOP THE DRILLING? OR CAN I JUST DRILL THEIR HEADS WITH THOSE DRILLS?

LOL no, I'm not that dangerous. He he he he.

So let's see what my topic will be for today..... Ah, maybe I'll talk about my childhood.

Most of my girlfriends keep telling me that I am pretty. Pp especially keeps telling me to 'jangan trip down to earth sangat. kau tu cantik ba jie'. And when I refuse to accept their compliments, you'll see them rolling their eyes at me. No, some may think I'm an attention seeker for saying things like 'you have to get your eyes checked' or 'stop making fun of me' when I get complimented.

But no, I swear I have never seen myself as 'pretty'. Not now, not ever.

As a toddler, I was favorited by my relatives because of my 'orang putih look' as they would put it. I had fair skin, light brown eyes, and light brown hair. But just like most things that exist in this world, they changed.

Throughout my life as a student, I've been ridiculed, made fun of, bashed, for my looks.

When I was in primary school, I was called tengkorak, cicak kubin, papan, kurus kering.

As I entered high school, I thought my life would change. Well.. Life isn't a wish-granting factory (Quote from The Fault in Our Stars). I was ridiculed even more. Maybe because I was different from the other kids. I was made fun of because of my wide forehead, my large set of teeth, my slightly juling eyes, and of course, my uncurvy -or papan- body.

Dahi jendul, gigi jongang, juling, papan, kurus, cicak. I guess you get the picture.

Even my ex told me to hide my large forehead with some hair. True story.

I guess all that killed my confidence, my self-esteem. Those are the stuff that assured my insecurities. And those insecurities were even more reassured when I meet people who say "eat more, put some meat on those bones. too skinny isn't pretty". which is everyday of my entire life.

So tell me. How can I be confident, how can I stop being so insecure, when those insecurities have stayed with me that long? They're a part of me. They make me who I am. Look me in the eye, and tell me to stop saying that I'm not pretty, when I have all the right reasons to say so.