~~~
"Daddy, you're home already. You safely arrived at home already" the eldest son said to him as they entered the house. He already accepted the fact that his dad's not here anymore. But then...
"Daddy, please wake up! Daddy, wake up daddy. Wake up. You're at home already. Please wake up" we were all at a loss for words. Every face was stained with tears, unable to do anything else. "Daddy, wake up. I need you. Daddy, please" No one moved. Every body was rigid. It was heartbreaking to see this young boy pleading his daddy to wake up. But how could he? Even the little boy knew that this lifeless figure wouldn't open his eyes anymore. But some part of him, some part of everyone wished, that Benny Law Foo Chee would open his eyes and laugh once again.
31st March 2011
The front door was open. Both opened. The first time I've seen it like that. Part of me didn't want to go inside. But I went anyway. I arranged my steps one by one to enter the the two-storey bungalow. As soon as I entered, I could feel sorrow in the air. The first thing I saw was his picture perched in front of the coffin. The song that echoed throughout the house was more than I can bear. Tears stung the back of my eyes. Mum came to greet me. Hugging, I sobbed on her shoulder. I was trying to put up a strong front, because I know Aunt Emma and my cousins were looking at me. And the last thing I wanted was to add sorrow into the air.
"Do you wanna see him?" Mum asked as I pulled away from her hug. "Sanggup?" she asked again without waiting for an answer. I gazed at his coffin & his picture for just a second. I couldn't stand the thought of looking at him, not like that. I shook my head, barely realising that that tears were already running down my face. So I went away for awhile, talking to some of my aunts & uncles who just noticed my presence.
Every few seconds, I kept glancing at his coffin, knew that sooner or later I must see him. But I tried putting that off. Lastly, when I've finished greeting everyone & finished eating, I went to stand there, beside him. And I looked at him, looking just like he was the last time I saw him. So pale, his crew cut hair, everything. But he looked so peaceful, so at ease.
The front door was open. Both opened. The first time I've seen it like that. Part of me didn't want to go inside. But I went anyway. I arranged my steps one by one to enter the the two-storey bungalow. As soon as I entered, I could feel sorrow in the air. The first thing I saw was his picture perched in front of the coffin. The song that echoed throughout the house was more than I can bear. Tears stung the back of my eyes. Mum came to greet me. Hugging, I sobbed on her shoulder. I was trying to put up a strong front, because I know Aunt Emma and my cousins were looking at me. And the last thing I wanted was to add sorrow into the air.
"Do you wanna see him?" Mum asked as I pulled away from her hug. "Sanggup?" she asked again without waiting for an answer. I gazed at his coffin & his picture for just a second. I couldn't stand the thought of looking at him, not like that. I shook my head, barely realising that that tears were already running down my face. So I went away for awhile, talking to some of my aunts & uncles who just noticed my presence.
Every few seconds, I kept glancing at his coffin, knew that sooner or later I must see him. But I tried putting that off. Lastly, when I've finished greeting everyone & finished eating, I went to stand there, beside him. And I looked at him, looking just like he was the last time I saw him. So pale, his crew cut hair, everything. But he looked so peaceful, so at ease.
***
I strayed to the back of the house where I saw my cousin sitting alone, with an action figure in his hand. He was only 11 years old. My heart broke at the sight of him, knowing he was the closest with Uncle Law. But I wore a bracing smile, non the less. I sat down beside him, not surprised that he didn't returned my smile. "You okay, Toi?" A nod. "You really okay?" "No," his voice cracked. I could see tears forming in his eyes. I could feel myself trying not to tear up. "It's okay," I said "You still have us. You still have mummy," as I put a hand round his shoulders. He cried a little more.
***
1st April 2011
When everyone was making fun of each other, here I was, standing beside your coffin, Uncle. Hearing Grandma's wailing made it harder. That was the last time I saw him. "Bye, Uncle," I whispered. "We're all going to miss you." Aunt Emma & the kids were lined up at the other side of the coffin. It was the chinese tradition to pay the last respect to the deceased, and then offer condolences and comfort to the family. So a line was made. And I was the somewhere in the middle.
I saw person by person hug my Aunt and my cousins. Hugs that were supposed to offer strength but instead made them more tearful. I saw my Aunt hanging on to a few of her siblings, especially my dad, trying to draw strength from those hugs. And at last came my turn. I hugged her, tightly. Hugged her like I hugged my own mother. I noticed that I was one of the longest hugs. And I felt her crying on my shoulders. It broke my heart even more, because her heart was breaking. "Aunty..." was the only thing I could say to her, my voice trembling. And when I let go, it's like she didn't want to. Well, maybe this happened because I was like her own daughter. I stayed with them since SPM was over.
3 months. 3 months of making fun of each other, me and my uncle. But now he's gone. The feeling of parting with someone because of death is something I can't handle. Something alien to me. And seeing my Aunt, it made it worse. She was always trying to smile, and when she did, the sadness in her eyes never left. And I saw that. And I can remember him always making fun of me. It's like it was only yesterday. Sometimes I catch myself expecting him to appear. I know it's not right.
And sometimes I try imagining it from my Aunt's or my cousins' point of view. If it was this hard, being just a niece, with no blood relation at all, how does it feel like to be in their shoes? The emptiness. The routine changes. Everything.
When everyone was making fun of each other, here I was, standing beside your coffin, Uncle. Hearing Grandma's wailing made it harder. That was the last time I saw him. "Bye, Uncle," I whispered. "We're all going to miss you." Aunt Emma & the kids were lined up at the other side of the coffin. It was the chinese tradition to pay the last respect to the deceased, and then offer condolences and comfort to the family. So a line was made. And I was the somewhere in the middle.
I saw person by person hug my Aunt and my cousins. Hugs that were supposed to offer strength but instead made them more tearful. I saw my Aunt hanging on to a few of her siblings, especially my dad, trying to draw strength from those hugs. And at last came my turn. I hugged her, tightly. Hugged her like I hugged my own mother. I noticed that I was one of the longest hugs. And I felt her crying on my shoulders. It broke my heart even more, because her heart was breaking. "Aunty..." was the only thing I could say to her, my voice trembling. And when I let go, it's like she didn't want to. Well, maybe this happened because I was like her own daughter. I stayed with them since SPM was over.
3 months. 3 months of making fun of each other, me and my uncle. But now he's gone. The feeling of parting with someone because of death is something I can't handle. Something alien to me. And seeing my Aunt, it made it worse. She was always trying to smile, and when she did, the sadness in her eyes never left. And I saw that. And I can remember him always making fun of me. It's like it was only yesterday. Sometimes I catch myself expecting him to appear. I know it's not right.
And sometimes I try imagining it from my Aunt's or my cousins' point of view. If it was this hard, being just a niece, with no blood relation at all, how does it feel like to be in their shoes? The emptiness. The routine changes. Everything.
~~~
In Loving Memory of
Benny Law Foo Chee
He was a great man. A good mand. Kind-hearted. He was the kind of person you could easily talk to. A responsible son-in-law, even my grandma wailed at his funeral, asking why he went first instead of her. A great uncle to me and my other cousins. At the age of 55, he passed away on the 28th March 2011 at IJN ( Institut Jantung Negara ) and was brought back to his home in Kota Kinabalu on the 29th. May he rest in peace in Nirvana Memorial Park starting on the 1st of April 2011.
In Loving Memory of
Benny Law Foo Chee
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