It's not you. It's me.

"You're like a sister to me"

~~~~~

Well, let me just repeat myself, I am not good in conveying my feelings. I'm not good in telling other people how I feel. I'm just not good at that. I can talk when I'm mad, I can talk when I'm happy, but I have no idea, AT ALL, how to tell people why I'm sad. I keep things to myself. I'd rather take all the pain to myself, than explaining why I am. Cuhs frankly, I don't even know why myself.

But please try to appreciate this attempt.

I spent nearly an hour in the showers, thinking what I would write. I planned on writing this and that, and that and this, and anything that came up in my mind. But then, just as I sat down on my chair, with towel wrapped around my neck and a pillow on my lap, facing these keyboards, instead of the hands moving, the tears do all the talking.

What do you expect? Why can't you understand?

Stop feeling sorry for me. Stop being so nice to me. Stop whatever you're doing. Stop. Just stop it.

I have feelings for you. Why can't you get that? Being nice to me, regardless of whatever reason you have, don't act like you don't know what that'll do.

No, it's not your fault. So stop saying you're sorry. Just stop. It's not your fault. Just like you said, you were 'born and raised this way'. My bad. My fault. I shouldn't have felt this way in the beginning.

I did not ask for this. It just.....happened. I prayed it stopped. I prayed and prayed and prayed it stopped. I DON'T WANT THESE FEELINGS. I NEVER WANTED ANY OF IT. But I can't deny that they're there.

NO, I don't expect us to be 'something else'. Honestly, that would just freak the fuck out of me. I can handle being friends. I can. Just leave me alone, and I'll be fine. Stay away. What I can't handle is you being so nice to me, and then disappearing, and then repeat the whole process again. It's like being shot right to the heart, and then being brought back to life, just to be shot dead on the chest again. 

You should've just stayed away when we weren't talking. I can handle being alone. I've been alone all this while, I'll live. 

But you just don't know how painful this is, don't you? I'd rather you just leave, and never come back. That way I'll get used to the pain. No more bleeding wounds. No more being shot dead. No more hoping. No more guessing. No more trying. No more, just no more of this bullshit.

I liked it better when nobody knew what I felt. I liked it way better then. Even though I had to act like I didn't care and I had no feelings, at least I could lie to myself. At least for that short amount of time, I could convince myself that these feelings didn't exist.

But now, it doesn't just exist, it's eating me inside out.

So please, no more. Just no more. Stay away. I'm begging.

Do take care. I'm not gonna unfriend you or block you again. But I'm backing off.

It might hurt so much right now, but I'll get by. I'll live.

I'm broken. I'm hurt. I'm damaged. But I'll be fine. I'm used to it.